Our dossier is done!!! Now, I'm sure some of you just thought, "What's a dossier?" I'm pretty sure Rob still doesn't know that word. A dossier consists of all the info about our family that is going to be sent to China in order for them to officially approve for us to be Fiona's parents. It contains our birth certificates, marriage certificate, home study write up, employment letters, police reports, financial statement, physical reports, approval by our government to go ahead, pictures, and an adoption petition describing the child we wish to adopt. Some of these documents had to be purchased from various government agencies. Others were created by me. Each document required a notarization, authentication by the Secretary of State's office, and another authentication by the Chinese Consulate.
Today, I picked up the final two pieces of our dossier from the Chinese Consulate and put them in the mail. That's it. I'm done. So much paperwork that I've had to keep track of for the last six months, and, now, it is all gone. It's kind of a crazy feeling. I've been carrying it all around in the same bag, praying nothing gets lost. Now, it is no longer in my hands. Awesome!
Luckily, I sent most of the dossier last month so our agency has already had time to review those parts. These last two bits shouldn't take them long to go over. Then, all the pieces will be bound together, translated, and sent to China.
Then, we wait for the acronyms. This adoption world is full of so many acronyms. We have already submitted our LOI (Letter of Intent) for Fiona. China received that and gave us our PA (pre-approval) for Fiona. This was the point where they locked her file for us with the rule that we must complete our Dossier by October. Now, we wait for LID (Log in Date, I think?). That's when China has received our Dossier and gotten us into their system. Then, we wait for LOA (Letter of Acceptance). That's when we're officially approved by China to adopt Fiona. Finally, we'll get our TA (travel approval). That signifies they're ready for us to come get her.
That's a while away at this point, though, and we have a lot of waiting coming up. I akin it to that point in pregnancy when the nausea has subsided, your belly is not getting in the way yet, and you've just started thinking about what you'll need to buy before the baby come. Your just waiting. Not much else to do.
Although, I do need to learn some Chinese.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
What is Fiona's Need? Other Than the Need to be Adopted of Course.
When searching for a child, Rob and I deliberately looked for a girl with orthopedic issues. Taking on a child with special needs is a challenge so we figured that we could make it easier on ourselves by finding a child who could share doctors with Elliot. After all, she has a pretty awesome team. Why not let another child benefit from them as well?
We were open to another child with Arthrogryposis (AMC), but we were a little leery as well. I'll be honest and admit that I wasn't sure if my back could take another kid with AMC. We even requested the file of a baby boy with AMC from one agency but agreed that his needs would be too much added stress for us and would take away too much from Elliot. Luckily, that beautiful little boy found a loving family and has already made his way to the US. I know this because I am Facebook friends with his mom. How awesome is that!?!
There was also a part of me that was scared that, if we had two kids with the same condition, one would excel more than the other at certain tasks causing self-esteem issues (Yes, I am aware that I over-analyze everything). I liked the idea of each girl having her own condition. It might sound silly, but the reality is that there are so many kids out there needing to be adopted that you just have to draw some lines to help limit your choices.
At the beginning of our process, our agency sent us the file of a little girl with suspected dwarfism and some very real abnormal brain scans. We were completely on board with dwarfism, but the brain issues scared us. We weren't ready to learn how to deal with all the new possibilities that condition might bring to our world. After a couple days and a lot of talking, we decided to pass on the little girl to the next family in line. I am happy to say that that little girl appears to be on her way to her family because her file never showed up on our agency's website.
That brings me back to Fiona, who we did find on our agency's site. This is where all the kiddos go who are hard to place, sometimes because of multiple needs, sometimes because of severe needs, sometimes because of older age. I tried to be patient and wait for another file to be sent to us, but I couldn't help checking the "Waiting Children" once in a while. In April, while Rob was traveling with Conan in Chicago, a few new girls popped up on the agency's page. This is the picture I saw:
How could you not immediately fall in love? I sent Rob a message and emailed our agency asking for a copy of her file. Rob was equally smitten but, sadly, so were a lot of other people. Since our agency will only give one family a file at a time, we were added to a waiting list just to look at it. Every day, I checked my email and checked the agency's site to see if she would be added to the "My Family Found Me" section. I'll admit I actually checked like 30 times a day. A few days later, I was told we were next on the list. TWO WEEKS LATER!!! The other family finally passed on her file, and it was ours.
My first reaction while reading over her notes and charts was, "This is it?" So many families had turned her down, and she was a perfectly healthy baby. Like Elliot, her needs are purely orthopedic. It is something that happened to her during the development of her body that was permanent but not degenerative. She would never get sick because of her condition. She would just have to learn to live with a different type of body, just like her sister. While these words are not used in her chart, it is believed that Fiona lost her right foot and some of her fingers to Amniotic Banding. Here is some info about it here:
Amniotic Band Info
Her hands, she will more than likely just learn to live with. She can already feed herself, pick up toys, hold onto things to stand. Her right leg will probably need a prosthesis, especially since there is a length discrepancy from the missing foot. Maybe one day, she will need minor surgery to help a prosthesis fit better or to relieve pressure at the banding site. That's it. To Rob and I, that seems like no big deal to get to squeeze that little face for the rest of our lives. So, we did NOT pass on Fiona's file, and we are grateful for all the families that did (because we know firsthand that it is not an easy thing to do). I am sure that they will all find their child just like we found ours.
We were open to another child with Arthrogryposis (AMC), but we were a little leery as well. I'll be honest and admit that I wasn't sure if my back could take another kid with AMC. We even requested the file of a baby boy with AMC from one agency but agreed that his needs would be too much added stress for us and would take away too much from Elliot. Luckily, that beautiful little boy found a loving family and has already made his way to the US. I know this because I am Facebook friends with his mom. How awesome is that!?!
There was also a part of me that was scared that, if we had two kids with the same condition, one would excel more than the other at certain tasks causing self-esteem issues (Yes, I am aware that I over-analyze everything). I liked the idea of each girl having her own condition. It might sound silly, but the reality is that there are so many kids out there needing to be adopted that you just have to draw some lines to help limit your choices.
At the beginning of our process, our agency sent us the file of a little girl with suspected dwarfism and some very real abnormal brain scans. We were completely on board with dwarfism, but the brain issues scared us. We weren't ready to learn how to deal with all the new possibilities that condition might bring to our world. After a couple days and a lot of talking, we decided to pass on the little girl to the next family in line. I am happy to say that that little girl appears to be on her way to her family because her file never showed up on our agency's website.
That brings me back to Fiona, who we did find on our agency's site. This is where all the kiddos go who are hard to place, sometimes because of multiple needs, sometimes because of severe needs, sometimes because of older age. I tried to be patient and wait for another file to be sent to us, but I couldn't help checking the "Waiting Children" once in a while. In April, while Rob was traveling with Conan in Chicago, a few new girls popped up on the agency's page. This is the picture I saw:
How could you not immediately fall in love? I sent Rob a message and emailed our agency asking for a copy of her file. Rob was equally smitten but, sadly, so were a lot of other people. Since our agency will only give one family a file at a time, we were added to a waiting list just to look at it. Every day, I checked my email and checked the agency's site to see if she would be added to the "My Family Found Me" section. I'll admit I actually checked like 30 times a day. A few days later, I was told we were next on the list. TWO WEEKS LATER!!! The other family finally passed on her file, and it was ours.
My first reaction while reading over her notes and charts was, "This is it?" So many families had turned her down, and she was a perfectly healthy baby. Like Elliot, her needs are purely orthopedic. It is something that happened to her during the development of her body that was permanent but not degenerative. She would never get sick because of her condition. She would just have to learn to live with a different type of body, just like her sister. While these words are not used in her chart, it is believed that Fiona lost her right foot and some of her fingers to Amniotic Banding. Here is some info about it here:
Amniotic Band Info
Her hands, she will more than likely just learn to live with. She can already feed herself, pick up toys, hold onto things to stand. Her right leg will probably need a prosthesis, especially since there is a length discrepancy from the missing foot. Maybe one day, she will need minor surgery to help a prosthesis fit better or to relieve pressure at the banding site. That's it. To Rob and I, that seems like no big deal to get to squeeze that little face for the rest of our lives. So, we did NOT pass on Fiona's file, and we are grateful for all the families that did (because we know firsthand that it is not an easy thing to do). I am sure that they will all find their child just like we found ours.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
What's In a Name
How did we get to the name Fiona? Here's a list of our final contenders so you can see where our heads were at.
Lucy (one of Rob's favorites)
Lucinda (the only way I would agree to Lucy)
Lois (my grandma's name)
Louise (one of my all time favorites)
Ivy (another Angie favorite)
Willow (Rob's)
Junie (after the one and only Junie B. Jones, of course)
Finn (a mutual favorite)
Fiona (the only way I would agree to Finn)
Li (Rob's)
Quinn (another mutual favorite)
Lilo (after the Disney movie, of course)
I have this thing where I want any nickname-y sounding name to be, just that, a nickname. If we are to call her by that, I want her to also have a formal version of her name for use in professional matters. I am my own example. I go by Angie, but I do not consider that a very professional sounding name. Angela is my formal name that goes on all forms and official mumbo jumbo. It's also a way of weeding out telemarketers and such. I like that. Rob tried arguing me on this, but he has to admit that he goes by a nickname too. Let's move on.
Eventually, this list dwindled to Fiona (Finn being her nickname) and Quinn. There was some back and forth for a couple of weeks until we finally settled on Finn. She just looks like a Finn (it's not too often you get to name a child that already has a personality in her photos).
One of the reasons we liked the names ending in -IN is because the name the orphanage gave her is Qin (pronounced like chin), although they seem to call her "Chi-chi" in the one video we have. Her whole name is Dang Zi Qin. Dang is the surname given to all kids in her orphanage. Zi means "purple" according to the info from the orphanage, but I have found a gazillion different uses for it online. Qin means "musical instrument" according to the info pack, but it could also mean "China" and is a popular surname there.
There is a lot of debate between Rob and me about whether or not we should keep any of her Chinese name. I will admit that I am against it. Her name was given to her by the orphanage, not her parents. It is her orphan name, and I want her to have her American family name. I figure we can just make sure she always knows that name existed and was a part of her. Rob, I think, is just not sure if it's going to matter to her or not one day.
Fiona's middle name was chosen long before her first name. I wanted her middle name to be a family name, like Elliot's, but I wanted it to represent a different kind of family. See, I was a nanny for a family for eight years. I started almost two months before the youngest was born. As soon as she was brought home from the hospital, I had the privilege of watching over her until she was in the second grade. She is a very important part of my life and stands as a wonderful example of family that I got to create for myself in this life. She and her brother are also Elliot's godparents. So, in honor of her, Fiona's middle name will be Evelyn, after the most wonderful 8-year-old I know.
Lucy (one of Rob's favorites)
Lucinda (the only way I would agree to Lucy)
Lois (my grandma's name)
Louise (one of my all time favorites)
Ivy (another Angie favorite)
Willow (Rob's)
Junie (after the one and only Junie B. Jones, of course)
Finn (a mutual favorite)
Fiona (the only way I would agree to Finn)
Li (Rob's)
Quinn (another mutual favorite)
Lilo (after the Disney movie, of course)
I have this thing where I want any nickname-y sounding name to be, just that, a nickname. If we are to call her by that, I want her to also have a formal version of her name for use in professional matters. I am my own example. I go by Angie, but I do not consider that a very professional sounding name. Angela is my formal name that goes on all forms and official mumbo jumbo. It's also a way of weeding out telemarketers and such. I like that. Rob tried arguing me on this, but he has to admit that he goes by a nickname too. Let's move on.
Eventually, this list dwindled to Fiona (Finn being her nickname) and Quinn. There was some back and forth for a couple of weeks until we finally settled on Finn. She just looks like a Finn (it's not too often you get to name a child that already has a personality in her photos).
One of the reasons we liked the names ending in -IN is because the name the orphanage gave her is Qin (pronounced like chin), although they seem to call her "Chi-chi" in the one video we have. Her whole name is Dang Zi Qin. Dang is the surname given to all kids in her orphanage. Zi means "purple" according to the info from the orphanage, but I have found a gazillion different uses for it online. Qin means "musical instrument" according to the info pack, but it could also mean "China" and is a popular surname there.
There is a lot of debate between Rob and me about whether or not we should keep any of her Chinese name. I will admit that I am against it. Her name was given to her by the orphanage, not her parents. It is her orphan name, and I want her to have her American family name. I figure we can just make sure she always knows that name existed and was a part of her. Rob, I think, is just not sure if it's going to matter to her or not one day.
Fiona's middle name was chosen long before her first name. I wanted her middle name to be a family name, like Elliot's, but I wanted it to represent a different kind of family. See, I was a nanny for a family for eight years. I started almost two months before the youngest was born. As soon as she was brought home from the hospital, I had the privilege of watching over her until she was in the second grade. She is a very important part of my life and stands as a wonderful example of family that I got to create for myself in this life. She and her brother are also Elliot's godparents. So, in honor of her, Fiona's middle name will be Evelyn, after the most wonderful 8-year-old I know.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Let's Talk Finances
Here is a link to our agency's list of adoption expenses. Take a look, and then come back to me. I'll wait.
Adoption Expenses
From what I hear, our agency is one of the least expensive and most upfront of all the Chinese agencies. As you can see, there is money going all over the place. The US agency, the Chinese Government, the US government, Airlines, hotels, etc. I can't even tell you how much money I've already given the Post Office and Kinko's.
For the adoption, I had to create a dossier. A dossier is basically a packet of all the information about your family that will be sent to China so they can approve you to adopt one of their children. It contains birth certificates, marriage certificate, a financial statement, employment verifications, physical exams, police clearances, pictures, passport copies, a complete copy of the home study written up by a social worker. For each written document to be found acceptable in China, it must be sealed. This means that every document must first be notarized by a public notary in your state. Our local notary charges $10 per document. Then, it must be stamped by the Secretary of State's office after they've checked that your notary is really a notary. This costs another $20 per document. Finally, it must be stamped by the Chinese consulate. This costs another $20 per document.
A lot of these documents must be mailed. I learned quickly to always have it delivered in a way that you can track it. Luckily, nothing has been lost yet, but Rob's birth certificate kept me up for many nights after I mailed it the cheap way and had no way of knowing if it ever made it to its destination. Thankfully, an understanding lady who works at the post office took the time to show me how to use the automated machine to send packages and pay for return envelopes. I consider myself a conqueror of that machine now and will sing its praises in the streets.
So far, the payments have not been too hard on our family. Rob has a good job, and I work part-time. There were certain financial requirements a family must meet in order to adopt from China. Thankfully, we bought a house last year, which I think helped balance out the large amount of student loans we both have. If we could continue paying a little bit every few months, we would be fine, but this process does not continue working that way. The largest bulk of the money that we need will be due when it is time to travel to China. That's when things get scary. There's the travel fees (two tickets there, three tickets home!), the orphanage fee (over $5000 just handed to the orphanage), certain government fees, food and stay for two weeks in China, time off work. It's crazy to think of how much money we will spend on that trip. This is why we have started fundraising. We are good right now, but we won't be then.
Through my friend Alexis, who adopted from the Ukraine and has made adoption one of her missions in life, I learned of the website http://www.adopttogether.com. It is a platform for adopting families to raise funds by simply crowd-sourcing. When people get together to combine their gifts into one big pot amazing things can happen. I've been overwhelmed by all the donations we have received. It's amazing to see how many people are invested in us bringing our little girl home. I also received some donations of items to raffle, which I haven't even had time to get to.
Because of these raffles (hello, iPad!!) and the promise of a future big donation by Rob's former employer, we raised our original goal. We're not being greedy, just being hopeful. Every little bit helps make our new life with Fiona easier. When she gets home, we won't be done with the heavy finances. Due to her missing foot and fingers, we'll need to get her to a lot of appointments at Children's Hospital Los Angeles (my home away from home) right away. Hopefully, we can get her fitted with a prosthetic foot, possibly lower leg, right away, and get her right in physical therapy so she can learn how to use it and I can learn how to work with her.
Rob says after this adoption we can't spend any money for the next five years. I'm fine with that. I've already started daydreaming of the awesome Disney Cruise we're going to take our TWO girls on in five years.
Adoption Expenses
From what I hear, our agency is one of the least expensive and most upfront of all the Chinese agencies. As you can see, there is money going all over the place. The US agency, the Chinese Government, the US government, Airlines, hotels, etc. I can't even tell you how much money I've already given the Post Office and Kinko's.
For the adoption, I had to create a dossier. A dossier is basically a packet of all the information about your family that will be sent to China so they can approve you to adopt one of their children. It contains birth certificates, marriage certificate, a financial statement, employment verifications, physical exams, police clearances, pictures, passport copies, a complete copy of the home study written up by a social worker. For each written document to be found acceptable in China, it must be sealed. This means that every document must first be notarized by a public notary in your state. Our local notary charges $10 per document. Then, it must be stamped by the Secretary of State's office after they've checked that your notary is really a notary. This costs another $20 per document. Finally, it must be stamped by the Chinese consulate. This costs another $20 per document.
A lot of these documents must be mailed. I learned quickly to always have it delivered in a way that you can track it. Luckily, nothing has been lost yet, but Rob's birth certificate kept me up for many nights after I mailed it the cheap way and had no way of knowing if it ever made it to its destination. Thankfully, an understanding lady who works at the post office took the time to show me how to use the automated machine to send packages and pay for return envelopes. I consider myself a conqueror of that machine now and will sing its praises in the streets.
So far, the payments have not been too hard on our family. Rob has a good job, and I work part-time. There were certain financial requirements a family must meet in order to adopt from China. Thankfully, we bought a house last year, which I think helped balance out the large amount of student loans we both have. If we could continue paying a little bit every few months, we would be fine, but this process does not continue working that way. The largest bulk of the money that we need will be due when it is time to travel to China. That's when things get scary. There's the travel fees (two tickets there, three tickets home!), the orphanage fee (over $5000 just handed to the orphanage), certain government fees, food and stay for two weeks in China, time off work. It's crazy to think of how much money we will spend on that trip. This is why we have started fundraising. We are good right now, but we won't be then.
Through my friend Alexis, who adopted from the Ukraine and has made adoption one of her missions in life, I learned of the website http://www.adopttogether.com. It is a platform for adopting families to raise funds by simply crowd-sourcing. When people get together to combine their gifts into one big pot amazing things can happen. I've been overwhelmed by all the donations we have received. It's amazing to see how many people are invested in us bringing our little girl home. I also received some donations of items to raffle, which I haven't even had time to get to.
Because of these raffles (hello, iPad!!) and the promise of a future big donation by Rob's former employer, we raised our original goal. We're not being greedy, just being hopeful. Every little bit helps make our new life with Fiona easier. When she gets home, we won't be done with the heavy finances. Due to her missing foot and fingers, we'll need to get her to a lot of appointments at Children's Hospital Los Angeles (my home away from home) right away. Hopefully, we can get her fitted with a prosthetic foot, possibly lower leg, right away, and get her right in physical therapy so she can learn how to use it and I can learn how to work with her.
Rob says after this adoption we can't spend any money for the next five years. I'm fine with that. I've already started daydreaming of the awesome Disney Cruise we're going to take our TWO girls on in five years.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
How We Found Fiona
There are two ways to find a child to adopt in China. The old school traditional way is to apply with an agency and wait for that agency to send you the file of a child that matches your profile. We did this, and we were matched almost immediately with a child that did not match our profile. The agency knew it was not a perfect match but asked if we'd like to look anyway. We did, but this child had special needs that we were not prepared to handle. We had to say no.
The second way you can find a child is to search the Internet. China hands out children's files to US agencies just like one would deal a deck of cards. The agencies then get to keep the files for a certain amount of time and try their best to match each child with a family. Often this is done privately, like the first child's file that our agency sent us. Sometimes, an agency has a hard time placing a child. The kid will have too many special needs or, perhaps, is a little too old. In these cases, many agencies will put that child's photo on their website, along with some basic info about the kid. Then, anyone who finds the picture online can email the agency and inquire about the child. Knowing this fact, made me feel better about saying no to that first girl's file because she never appeared on our agencies website after that, meaning someone must have scooped her up after us.
While we waited for the agency to send us another file, I scoured the Internet hoping our new daughter's face would pop out at me. Of course, this is a heartbreaking daily activity because you come across so many little faces that you wish you could adopt, even if they don't match your profile.
In April, after four months of waiting, I checked the list of waiting children on our own agencies site and saw a few new girls had been added. I started looking through them. One cannot always be sold on the first photo (they often look like terrified mugshots) so you must click through and see what can be found on the other side. One of the little girls that was listed that day was named "Qin." She had the biggest eyes and pouty lips and looked like she did not know why her picture was being taken that day. Also, to be honest, she looked like a boy.
I clicked on her profile picture and was led to two of the most adorable photos. These were action shots and she was obviously having fun. She looked happy and full of life. I read her profile and what little medical info that was made public ("malformed upper and lower limbs"), and called Rob, who was in Chicago with the traveling Conan at the time. "I think I found our child," I told him. He instantly looked her up and was equally smitten too.
I immediately contacted our agency but soon entered a new kind of waiting game. You see, someone else had found her first and was currently looking at her file. In fact, a few more some else's had found her and there was actually a waiting list to look at her file. So, I agreed to be added to the waiting list, and then I um...waited. It's weird to hope that other families will not want a child. I found it hard, not wanting to get too hopeful, and telling myself that it's a good thing if she finds a family no matter what.
After a few days, I emailed the agency. I was told that I was in luck because I was now next on the waiting list. She would contact me as soon as she heard an answer from the family that had her file. It was during this call that I also asked why this little girl's file wasn't directly sent to us because she matched our profile perfectly. It was explained to me that she matched other families as well who had been waiting longer than us. Her file had been privately shared with a few, and they all kept turning her down. The agency chose to put her on the Internet after that to get her matched quickly. It made sense so I waited. Every few days, I would politely email, hoping I wasn't forgotten, and, every time, I was told that the family still hadn't given an answer.
Finally, TWO WEEKS! later, I received a phone call. "You'll never believe it. The family passed." Qin's file was immediately emailed to me. I quickly opened it, expecting to find the key to why so many families passed on her, maybe she had some disease they left out of the online profile. But, there were no secrets to be found. She did have "malformed upper and lower limbs." Due to what appeared to be amniotic banding in utero, she was missing her right foot and about half her fingers. Otherwise, she was completely healthy. She could walk (with some assistance), talk, eat, play. "That's it," I wondered. "All these people turned her down over a missing foot and fingers." I couldn't believe it. I knew right then that she was going to be ours.
After that, we did the responsible thing. After all, this would be a decision that would affect our entire family in a major way. We sent her file to my mother-in-law Carol, a nurse practitioner so she could translate all the blood results. We sent pictures of her legs and hands to Elliot's orthotist (the guy who makes her braces and also happens to make prosthesis) to get his opinion on her candidacy for a prosthetic foot. We sent her file to an international pediatrician recommended by our social work to get her opinion on an possible underlying conditions based on her file and the location of her orphanage. After everyone gave his or her opinion, we decided to pursue adopting this little girl.
The next step was to write out a letter of intent to adopt. The agency gave notes on what the letter needed to include. After this was written by me, it was translated by the agency and sent to China. Qin's file was officially locked for us, meaning no one else could review her file during this time. Now, we waited, once again. We were told to expect it to take weeks, but, four days later, China sent our pre-approval to adopt her. She was ours, officially ours.
Now, I just had a ridiculous amount of paperwork to do.
The second way you can find a child is to search the Internet. China hands out children's files to US agencies just like one would deal a deck of cards. The agencies then get to keep the files for a certain amount of time and try their best to match each child with a family. Often this is done privately, like the first child's file that our agency sent us. Sometimes, an agency has a hard time placing a child. The kid will have too many special needs or, perhaps, is a little too old. In these cases, many agencies will put that child's photo on their website, along with some basic info about the kid. Then, anyone who finds the picture online can email the agency and inquire about the child. Knowing this fact, made me feel better about saying no to that first girl's file because she never appeared on our agencies website after that, meaning someone must have scooped her up after us.
While we waited for the agency to send us another file, I scoured the Internet hoping our new daughter's face would pop out at me. Of course, this is a heartbreaking daily activity because you come across so many little faces that you wish you could adopt, even if they don't match your profile.
In April, after four months of waiting, I checked the list of waiting children on our own agencies site and saw a few new girls had been added. I started looking through them. One cannot always be sold on the first photo (they often look like terrified mugshots) so you must click through and see what can be found on the other side. One of the little girls that was listed that day was named "Qin." She had the biggest eyes and pouty lips and looked like she did not know why her picture was being taken that day. Also, to be honest, she looked like a boy.
I clicked on her profile picture and was led to two of the most adorable photos. These were action shots and she was obviously having fun. She looked happy and full of life. I read her profile and what little medical info that was made public ("malformed upper and lower limbs"), and called Rob, who was in Chicago with the traveling Conan at the time. "I think I found our child," I told him. He instantly looked her up and was equally smitten too.
I immediately contacted our agency but soon entered a new kind of waiting game. You see, someone else had found her first and was currently looking at her file. In fact, a few more some else's had found her and there was actually a waiting list to look at her file. So, I agreed to be added to the waiting list, and then I um...waited. It's weird to hope that other families will not want a child. I found it hard, not wanting to get too hopeful, and telling myself that it's a good thing if she finds a family no matter what.
After a few days, I emailed the agency. I was told that I was in luck because I was now next on the waiting list. She would contact me as soon as she heard an answer from the family that had her file. It was during this call that I also asked why this little girl's file wasn't directly sent to us because she matched our profile perfectly. It was explained to me that she matched other families as well who had been waiting longer than us. Her file had been privately shared with a few, and they all kept turning her down. The agency chose to put her on the Internet after that to get her matched quickly. It made sense so I waited. Every few days, I would politely email, hoping I wasn't forgotten, and, every time, I was told that the family still hadn't given an answer.
Finally, TWO WEEKS! later, I received a phone call. "You'll never believe it. The family passed." Qin's file was immediately emailed to me. I quickly opened it, expecting to find the key to why so many families passed on her, maybe she had some disease they left out of the online profile. But, there were no secrets to be found. She did have "malformed upper and lower limbs." Due to what appeared to be amniotic banding in utero, she was missing her right foot and about half her fingers. Otherwise, she was completely healthy. She could walk (with some assistance), talk, eat, play. "That's it," I wondered. "All these people turned her down over a missing foot and fingers." I couldn't believe it. I knew right then that she was going to be ours.
After that, we did the responsible thing. After all, this would be a decision that would affect our entire family in a major way. We sent her file to my mother-in-law Carol, a nurse practitioner so she could translate all the blood results. We sent pictures of her legs and hands to Elliot's orthotist (the guy who makes her braces and also happens to make prosthesis) to get his opinion on her candidacy for a prosthetic foot. We sent her file to an international pediatrician recommended by our social work to get her opinion on an possible underlying conditions based on her file and the location of her orphanage. After everyone gave his or her opinion, we decided to pursue adopting this little girl.
The next step was to write out a letter of intent to adopt. The agency gave notes on what the letter needed to include. After this was written by me, it was translated by the agency and sent to China. Qin's file was officially locked for us, meaning no one else could review her file during this time. Now, we waited, once again. We were told to expect it to take weeks, but, four days later, China sent our pre-approval to adopt her. She was ours, officially ours.
Now, I just had a ridiculous amount of paperwork to do.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Why China?
Once we settled on international adoption, Rob was settled on China. He pretended to consider other countries, but his heart was always set on China. Why? Because years ago he came to the birthday party of Evie, the little girl I used to nanny. Evie had a classmate at the party who just happened to be the adopted Chinese daughter of a certain actress from a certain movie where Kevin Kline plays a French conman (I prefer that movie over all the others that she is more famous for). Rob fell in love with that little girl that day and declared on the the ride home that he wanted a Chinese daughter one day.
I did my duty and researched every other possible country. The reality is that China has one of the easiest and least expensive programs. I also read somewhere that you should choose a country based on your interest in learning more about that country because it's going to become a part of the rest of your life. We were definitely fascinated with the Chinese culture and could see ourselves celebrating the Dragon Boat Festival (Shouldn't there be more holidays associated with dragons?)
In the end, Rob won, not because I gave in but because I agreed with him. China was the best choice for our family. Now, we knew which direction to go.
I did my duty and researched every other possible country. The reality is that China has one of the easiest and least expensive programs. I also read somewhere that you should choose a country based on your interest in learning more about that country because it's going to become a part of the rest of your life. We were definitely fascinated with the Chinese culture and could see ourselves celebrating the Dragon Boat Festival (Shouldn't there be more holidays associated with dragons?)
In the end, Rob won, not because I gave in but because I agreed with him. China was the best choice for our family. Now, we knew which direction to go.
Introductions First
My name is Angie Ashe. I am writing this blog in hopes of sharing my family's experience as we embark on the journey of adoption. Currently, my family looks like this: Angie (mom) works as a Children's Librarian at the Canyon Country Public Library, Rob (dad) works as an editor at a popular late night show starring a popular, tall, red-haired man, Elliot (daughter) works as a three-year-old who watches Yo Gabba Gabba, loves Kelly Clarkson, and bites, and, finally, Nessie, works as a dog, a dog who drives me crazy but is actually a good dog.
Both Rob and I grew up with siblings so we never imagined having a house with only one child. We thought, for a bit, that we might adopt all of our children, but we feared missing out on the experience of pregnancy and childbirth so along came Elliot. The day she came into this world was the most terrifying day of my life. What started out as a joyful day of pancakes at Jinky's, an apartment search, and a trip to Target turned into our child coming a day early, being whisked away to the intensive care, and hearing the word "malformed." Luckily, that horrible day was replaced by the most amazing day when she was finally set free from the NICU and put into our arms.
One traumatic birth experience was enough for both of us. Once we got into our groove with Elliot and started talking about a second child, Rob and I agreed that all future kids were going to be adopted. Thus began my quest to learn all that I could about the adoption world. We created the profile of the ideal child we were looking for (girl, younger than Elliot, some kind of special need, preferably orthopedic). Then, like the librarian that I am, I researched everything. Here are some interesting things I learned along the way (Note: These are just my observations based on what I read and what I was told. If you find any of these are way off, please share. I'd love to learn more. Take note, though, that we have already identified our child that we are adopting in China and will not change that fact.)
Here is what I learned about adopting locally:
1. There are no orphanages in the US. It's not like "The Cider House Rules," Folks. There are group homes for older kids, but you cannot just walk into an orphanage and pick out a kid.
2. Any kid you get in the US is considered a foster kid when they come into your home, even if you are seeking to adopt and not foster.
3. If that child still has visitation with her parents, you must take them to these visits, even if the parent is in jail. If you refuse, the child will be taken from you.
4. If any of that child's blood relatives step forward during this foster time, they can take custody of that child (assuming they follow protocol, of course).
5. There are no guarantees of when a birth parent will lose custody completely. I know of one family that waited five years to finally adopt their child that they'd had since her birth.
6. There is a waiting list 5 years long in LA County of parents seeking to adopt kids who are completely available. Meaning, the only way to get a child who is guaranteed to not have ties to her parents anymore is to wait years.
7. The only other option is to foster to adopt, which means you run the risk of losing that child to her own family, the same family that was previously deemed unfit to care for her. I was told, on average, people can expect to adopt the third child that is placed with them.
8. "The state does not want you to adopt these kids. The goal of the state is to get all these kids back with their parents," quote from the speaker at an adoption seminar we went to.
9. There is not an orphan problem in our country. There is a foster kid problem. There is a desperate need for foster parents, not adoptive parents.
10. I am still open to adopting from Los Angeles in the future, when our girls are older and can understand what's going on. For a baby or toddler, this just did not seem like the right plan for us. Rob and I did not want to deal with biological parents' issues and did not want to risk the heartbreak of having a kid leave to go back to mom or another family member.
Here is what I learned about adopting internationally:
1. China is no longer desperate to get rid of their girls. Did you know that our agency is just now placing healthy baby girls with parents who have been waiting since 2007? That's a five year wait!!! Some agencies won't even accept applications from parents wanting a healthy baby girl.
2. Foreign parents are more likely to adopt a girl so there are tons of boys in need of adoption.
3. You can find listings of kids for adoption all over the Internet. You can pick out your kid off the Internet if you want to. We found our little girl on the Internet, and I know many other families that have as well.
4. China only requires one trip to pick up the child. Many other countries require three, although you can get away with combining two of the trips.
5. Foreign adoption is expensive, but all the money is not going to one place. The orphanage gets some, the US agency gets some, the foreign government gets some, the US government gets some, the airline gets some, Kinko's gets some, USPS/FedEx get some. It all adds up, and, luckily, it's not all due at once.
6. While kids in US foster care get free medical care and equipment, orphans in other countries are not guaranteed medical care.
7. While kids in US foster care are guaranteed an education, orphans in other countries are not.
8. The one child policy in China is not as strict as I was led to believe. But, the policy has led to areas where boys far outnumber the girls, leading to cases of girls being abducted or sold to men who are desperate.
9. Many ages and birthdates of kids are just made up by the orphanage. I have heard stories of parents re-aging their children after they are adopted because US doctors believe the child's age is wrong.
10. Many agencies are associated with certain religions, and some of them require adoptive parents to meet certain religious standards. These standards are set by the US agency, not the country of the child's origin. So, if you find the perfect child online, you may not be able to adopt said perfect child, even if you meet all the qualifications set forth by the child's country. This doesn't seem right to me.
I wish it was a lot easier to adopt a child. It used to be. Of course, a lot of horrible things used to happen to children and families because of the way it used to be. Now, we have a bunch of regulations that must be followed in order to protect the children. I wish I could just pick up the next little kiddo at my library whose parent is nowhere to be seen because said parent thinks it's my job to babysit their two-year-old (Yes! Parents just leave two-year-old's alone in the kid section), but there are rules against that too. So, I must deal with all the craziness of the adoption world and help my family navigate it in the best way possible.
Both Rob and I grew up with siblings so we never imagined having a house with only one child. We thought, for a bit, that we might adopt all of our children, but we feared missing out on the experience of pregnancy and childbirth so along came Elliot. The day she came into this world was the most terrifying day of my life. What started out as a joyful day of pancakes at Jinky's, an apartment search, and a trip to Target turned into our child coming a day early, being whisked away to the intensive care, and hearing the word "malformed." Luckily, that horrible day was replaced by the most amazing day when she was finally set free from the NICU and put into our arms.
One traumatic birth experience was enough for both of us. Once we got into our groove with Elliot and started talking about a second child, Rob and I agreed that all future kids were going to be adopted. Thus began my quest to learn all that I could about the adoption world. We created the profile of the ideal child we were looking for (girl, younger than Elliot, some kind of special need, preferably orthopedic). Then, like the librarian that I am, I researched everything. Here are some interesting things I learned along the way (Note: These are just my observations based on what I read and what I was told. If you find any of these are way off, please share. I'd love to learn more. Take note, though, that we have already identified our child that we are adopting in China and will not change that fact.)
Here is what I learned about adopting locally:
1. There are no orphanages in the US. It's not like "The Cider House Rules," Folks. There are group homes for older kids, but you cannot just walk into an orphanage and pick out a kid.
2. Any kid you get in the US is considered a foster kid when they come into your home, even if you are seeking to adopt and not foster.
3. If that child still has visitation with her parents, you must take them to these visits, even if the parent is in jail. If you refuse, the child will be taken from you.
4. If any of that child's blood relatives step forward during this foster time, they can take custody of that child (assuming they follow protocol, of course).
5. There are no guarantees of when a birth parent will lose custody completely. I know of one family that waited five years to finally adopt their child that they'd had since her birth.
6. There is a waiting list 5 years long in LA County of parents seeking to adopt kids who are completely available. Meaning, the only way to get a child who is guaranteed to not have ties to her parents anymore is to wait years.
7. The only other option is to foster to adopt, which means you run the risk of losing that child to her own family, the same family that was previously deemed unfit to care for her. I was told, on average, people can expect to adopt the third child that is placed with them.
8. "The state does not want you to adopt these kids. The goal of the state is to get all these kids back with their parents," quote from the speaker at an adoption seminar we went to.
9. There is not an orphan problem in our country. There is a foster kid problem. There is a desperate need for foster parents, not adoptive parents.
10. I am still open to adopting from Los Angeles in the future, when our girls are older and can understand what's going on. For a baby or toddler, this just did not seem like the right plan for us. Rob and I did not want to deal with biological parents' issues and did not want to risk the heartbreak of having a kid leave to go back to mom or another family member.
Here is what I learned about adopting internationally:
1. China is no longer desperate to get rid of their girls. Did you know that our agency is just now placing healthy baby girls with parents who have been waiting since 2007? That's a five year wait!!! Some agencies won't even accept applications from parents wanting a healthy baby girl.
2. Foreign parents are more likely to adopt a girl so there are tons of boys in need of adoption.
3. You can find listings of kids for adoption all over the Internet. You can pick out your kid off the Internet if you want to. We found our little girl on the Internet, and I know many other families that have as well.
4. China only requires one trip to pick up the child. Many other countries require three, although you can get away with combining two of the trips.
5. Foreign adoption is expensive, but all the money is not going to one place. The orphanage gets some, the US agency gets some, the foreign government gets some, the US government gets some, the airline gets some, Kinko's gets some, USPS/FedEx get some. It all adds up, and, luckily, it's not all due at once.
6. While kids in US foster care get free medical care and equipment, orphans in other countries are not guaranteed medical care.
7. While kids in US foster care are guaranteed an education, orphans in other countries are not.
8. The one child policy in China is not as strict as I was led to believe. But, the policy has led to areas where boys far outnumber the girls, leading to cases of girls being abducted or sold to men who are desperate.
9. Many ages and birthdates of kids are just made up by the orphanage. I have heard stories of parents re-aging their children after they are adopted because US doctors believe the child's age is wrong.
10. Many agencies are associated with certain religions, and some of them require adoptive parents to meet certain religious standards. These standards are set by the US agency, not the country of the child's origin. So, if you find the perfect child online, you may not be able to adopt said perfect child, even if you meet all the qualifications set forth by the child's country. This doesn't seem right to me.
I wish it was a lot easier to adopt a child. It used to be. Of course, a lot of horrible things used to happen to children and families because of the way it used to be. Now, we have a bunch of regulations that must be followed in order to protect the children. I wish I could just pick up the next little kiddo at my library whose parent is nowhere to be seen because said parent thinks it's my job to babysit their two-year-old (Yes! Parents just leave two-year-old's alone in the kid section), but there are rules against that too. So, I must deal with all the craziness of the adoption world and help my family navigate it in the best way possible.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)